Waiting on a Tragedy

My life these days seems to be an unpredictable roller coaster.  No matter how strong my faith was and how many prayers were sent our way, the worst is about to happen.  I am now waiting to miscarry my first and only pregnancy.

Thursday we had an appointment with a new Dr.  After checking my uterus and doing an ultrasound he confirmed the worse, I was days away from miscarrying.  This pregnancy was not “viable.”  What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?  How is it that after two VERY long years of waiting to have our first child our first pregnancy is ending so soon?  I was 9 weeks yesterday.  And I love how we found out we were pregnant on Valentines Day and got the dreaded news on St. Patty’s Day.  Pretty sure these days are now FOREVER stamped in our brains as days we will never forget.

The Dr. wanted me to have blood drawn Thursday after the appt. and also this past Saturday to make sure my HCG levels were decreasing.  Luckily I had a friend and mentor in town this weekend so it kept my mind off of the sadness of what was to come.  I had special little reminders all weekend though.  (extreme sarcasm)  Cramps, back pain and spotting were daily occurrences.  Today I finally lost it.  The anger, the resentment, the extreme feeling of loss set in.  I definitely did some ugly crying.  And on top of that the nurse finally called with results of my tests.  I was told I had a UTI (isn’t that special) and needed to pick up meds asap and my HCG dropped from 135 Thursday to 106 Saturday.  I was also told that I had to get a Rhogam shot when I went back for my appointment next week.  Apparently I have an A- blood type… good to know after almost 30 years of life and I need to have it for future pregnancy’s.

Part of me just wants to hide in a hole and never return to the outside world.  I feel so alone.  Why does this have to be so freaking hard?  The end of the pregnancy is near… as I wait on a tragedy.

Lent vs Tarah

First let me start off by saying that I am no longer of Catholic faith.  I grew up Catholic and went through all of the classes as a child, but the religion never seemed to fill my heart.  After 4 crazy years in college of not going to a church at all and being angry at God I was saved in none other than Waco, TX.  That was where my first “big kid job” was with Kraft Foods.  And in 2005 I started the most wonderful journey of my life and became a Christian 🙂

I had no intention of giving up anything for Lent this year, as I don’t practice any other Catholic traditions, so why would I do this one?  My best friend Felicia asked me Wednesday what I planned to give up and I told her probably nothing because I hadn’t really thought about it.  Boy was that a mistake.  I then decided to pray about it because with everything going on in my life this past month, that is what I do.  The only thing that popped in my head was google.  This made me angry!  No way!  There is no possible way I could give up “googling” for 40 days!  Now I must give you the back story of the past month of my life…..

I am pregnant!!  Wahoo!!  Chris and I found out on Valentine’s Day and it was one of the happiest days of our lives.  In the past two years of trying to start our family we have never had a positive pregnancy test!!  But, through all that excitement and luckily a doctors appointment already scheduled the next day, it has been a roller coaster.  I had blood taken that Tuesday for my HCG and progesterone levels.  I got a call on Wednesday saying my progesterone was very low and they were calling in a subscription for suppositories.  I was freaked, but was told that this happens to many women.  Whew!
Thursday I went back for more blood to make sure my HCG numbers were doubling.  Then I got the call Friday morning.  My doctor wanted to see me right away in her office.  My HCG numbers had gone down.  After making a few phone calls (and googling of course), I went in.  I went in with the hopes that everything would be ok.  My hopes and dreams were very quickly shattered.  My doctor was very sympathetic about it all, but she basically told me that with my numbers decreasing that it was a very bad sign and was probably a blighted ovum.  My head was spinning as she was explaining what exactly that was, (of course I had to google that when I got home later.)  I then asked her, “So you have never had someone with this happen deliver a healthy baby?”  She said, “no.”  She said I should have a miscarriage within a week.  I was devastated.  It took everything inside of me not to completely have a breakdown in the doctors office and make it to my car.  I’m pretty sure I ran.  And then lost it.  Bad.

Now luckily, I have some very special people in my life who are Believers and have carried me through this time.  I believe in my heart and they do too, that this baby is meant to be.  There is NOTHING that God can not do, especially when something is promised to us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, …. in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” 
Proverbs 3:5

On Sunday I will be 8 weeks pregnant.  Today marks 3 weeks since I was told I would have a miscarriage.  It has been an amazing journey of faith and love.  And even though I know in my heart that I trust the Lord with this baby, I still question every little thing because I am still human.  At every negative thought in my head I would google something to try to make me feel better about what was going on in my body.  Every symptom I would type into that cute little browser and spend hours on end reading stories of other women to ease my worries.  There have been so many ups and downs with my emotions these past four weeks, not to mention my hormones going crazy!
My doctor appointment with another doctor is in three weeks (March 29th).  I know that when we go to that appointment we will hear a heart beat of our little miracle child and God will have helped our little “bean” grow big and strong.  And for the next 40 days I will trust in the Lord and not rely on google to make me feel better.

“We live by faith, not by sight”
2 Corinthians 5:7