Slipping away

This was my mom and I last May on the Texas coast.  The beach has always been her “happy place” and I wanted to get her there before the disease progressed too much.  This was my moms last trip to the beach.

A few weeks ago the Today’s Show did segments on Alzheimer’s for the week in honor of Alzheimer’s awareness week.  One day they had Seth Rogan and his wife on.  She said something that burned into my soul and I don’t think I will ever forget it.  She said, “While all of my friend’s are becoming best friends with their mothers, I fed my mother dinner on Sunday.”
Smacked.
I literally felt as of I was slapped on the side of my face and did a happy dance at the same time.  I am not alone.  I always find myself thinking that I am fighting this fight with Alzheimer’s alone.  The only 32 year old daughter going into a facility to visit her mother.  The only pregnant mom waddling in and out of the memory care wing, trying not to walk out in tears because her mother told her she was getting fat and she needed to loose some weight.  Wow. There really are others.

I have decided to start really fighting.  Fight for awareness.  Fight for a cure.  I will not keep quiet in embarrassment anymore about what I am going through.  No child that has yet to have had their own children should have to get the terrible news that their parent will slowly be ripped away from them. Memory by memory.. lost.
Most people don’t realize that Alzheimer’s is no longer a “old people” disease.  It is starting to effect more and more people in their 40s, 50s and 60’s.  Entirely too young.  It is now being said that 1 in 6 people will die from it.  Yet the funding for a cure is NO WHERE close to what it should be.  If more funds aren’t allocated it will take longer and longer to figure out how to stop it.  It is said that every 70 seconds someone develops Alzheimer’s.  As many as 5.4 million people in the US are living with the disease.  And Alzheimer’s is ALWAYS fatal, something I never realized before.  We have to find a cure… soon.
It seems like the easy thing to do to sit back and be silent about how this has effected myself and our entirely family, but I am not taking the easy way anymore.  People need to know that this could just as easily be their mom or dad.  The younger forms of the illness seem to progress much faster.  My mom last year at this time was way more lucid.  As the months pass, the memories are becoming more and more few.
Last week was my first indication that she may be moving towards a latter stage of the disease.  She got angry with me, very angry.  And anyone who has ever known my precious mother  knew she didn’t fly off the handle and yell at people ever, if at all.  Especially in a public place.
I had to take my mom shopping because in the 9 months she has been in the memory care facility she has gained at least 20#.  It’s ridiculous.  None of her clothes are fitting her and I had no clue what size she was, so she needed to be with me.
She is also having a hard time walking because she says her knee has been hurting.  It seemed like eternity for her to walk from the parking lot into the building.  I honestly think it is the extra weight she is carrying around and at 4’11 you aren’t built to be over weight.
She kept looking into the back seat and wondering where the baby was.  We had just dropped Addy off at my in laws.  The silver lining here was that she remembered there was a baby!  🙂
She likes to go to the restroom entirely too often.  I think it is more of a “security” thing and she feels like she has to be in there?  Haven’t quite figured that one out yet.  Its honestly extremely aggravating to be on one side of the store trying to get this shopping trip done and have to stop what we were doing to walk her to the bathroom.  She can no longer find places like restrooms on her own.
And of course every few minutes she asks if she is going to be in trouble for leaving the facility.  Being out of her element is extremely stressful for her. Getting her into a public place is exhausting.
My adorable mother who always looked so cute and put together is now down to wearing shirts that have no buttons that have to pulled over her head and elastic pants.  At 63 I feel like I am dressing my grandmother.
Once I felt like I had plenty of different options for mom to try on we went into the dressing room.  She immediately wanted to sit down.  I had to explain to her she couldn’t sit and needed to stand to try on clothes.  She very nicely stated she didn’t need to try on the clothes I had in the room with us because she liked what she had on.  “I understand you like those clothes mom, but we need to try on a few more.”  “Why,” she says.  “Because you need new clothes.”  She then looked at me and said I just want these.”  I kept my cool and got her to try on a few shirts and with each one she got more and more agitated.  Once I got to where she needed to try on the pants she was about to blow her top.  She then started screaming at me, “I don’t want to try on any damn pants!  I want to take my clothes home and go!”  Now realize we are in the middle of a Kohl’s dressing room with a ton of other people.  She then proceeded to yell… “Why I was doing this to her, she hated these clothes,  she didn’t need other clothes, she wanted to leave NOW etc. etc.”  I was horrified.  This wasn’t my mother.  She looked like my mother but was a stranger in every other way.  My affectionate, sweet and kind mom was gone.  
This episode for me marks a new chapter in the battle we are facing.  We are probably moving into the latter stages of the disease.
Some days I become very self absorbed and forget about mom and go about my life living as a new mom and not as her caretaker.  Sadly, taking a break every once in a while helps to keep me sane.  Then after a few days I realize I haven’t heard my mom’s voice and try to call.  It rings…and rings.  My mom will never call me on the phone again.  She will never ask me how my day was and if I am doing ok.  
My mom is slipping away…
This Saturday we will be walking to fight Alzheimer’s and I invite you to walk with us to show support for my mom and the millions of others dealing with this terrible illness.  If you can’t walk you can also donate to our team to help fund finding a cure.
If you would like to join my team and/or help fund please go to my page and sign up.
http://act.alz.org/site/TR?px=6163960&fr_id=3737&pg=personal

Praying for every family dealing with this struggle and who will go through it in the future. 

Blessings,
Tk
How I will always remember my beautiful mom.  Happy.. no worries and in control of her life & memories.

Back in the saddle again

Stretching my fingers out on the keyboard feels good.
Especially now that I finally have my own computer!  The hubby surprised me with a Mac Book Air a few days ago and I am praying that this will give me the extra nudge I have needed to start blogging again.  He told me that with the computer my “stipulation” was that I start blogging more.  Seriously.. my husband is the most amazing man on the planet.  He gets me.  Big time.

I am learning as a new mom that having time to myself is few and far between.  The time after my angel goes to sleep suddenly turns in overdrive mode to finish things I was unable to do that day.  Massive amounts of laundry, dishes, picking up, etc.  It’s amazing how even as a stay at home mom that things never seem to get done!  I often laugh at the fact that people think stay at home mom’s have it easy.  Eating bon bon’s on the couch… definitely not the case!

I try to remember on those days that seem to stretch out for eternity and I can’t seem to get what I want to get accomplished done, that this time with my daughter as a 5 month old is short.  The times where I can sit down on the floor with her and actually have her stay in one spot for longer than 3 minutes.  Don’t get me wrong.. she is crawling, but not very fast!  🙂  I cherish every minute I can with her and count my many Blessings.

Looking at my account there are entirely too many posts that have not been published.  Praying for extra special favor to start writing and posting again.

Blessings,
Tk