Breastfeeding Hell

pumpingToday my son is 3 weeks old.  It also marks the fact that 3 weeks have passed and I have yet to breastfeed him.  Now to some of you it may not seem like that is a big deal.  To me, it is one of the most heart breaking things that I have encountered in motherhood.  Yes, I am one of those women.  The one who loves to breastfeed.  There is just something about looking down at your sweet baby and knowing that this little person is being nourished completely by your body.  God really is amazing.   The breastfeeding bond is unbreakable and was one of my favorite parts of being a mom to my girls.  And then the Lord gave me this perfect little boy and my whole world has been turned upside down of what I have ever known about breastfeeding.

Now this picture of my middle child with the breast pump may seem silly, but to me it is a sad reminder of my new reality.  When my eldest was this age and I was nursing her sister (my kids are all 18mo apart), she would put her baby doll to her chest and sign “milk.”  Now that baby is a big sibling and using the pump because that is how she see’s me feeding her brother.  🙁

First, I need to apologize.  I judged some mothers wrongly in the past.  Whenever I heard a new mom (or any mom) say, “I tried to breastfeed, he/she wouldn’t latch” etc. etc I rolled my eyes.  Yeah.. right.  Usually this “trying” only lasted a week or so.  This made me believe that said mother didn’t work hard enough to make it happen.  It always happens if you give it a little time and effort.  Right…..

Turn back the clock to three weeks ago.  My labor was long and I barely had any sleep from the night before when my water broke.  (Birth story coming soon!)  I only pushed 18 minutes, but being 5’1” and birthing a 9# 9oz baby with no drugs on very little sleep was pretty exhausting.  I remember a few minutes after he was born my midwife put him on my breast to eat.  Little dude was happy, yet didn’t latch.  Not then or not even when we got home from the birth center a few hours later.
My milk came in on day 3 and I thought for sure that when that happened he would jump on the milk train and we would be good to go!  Nada.  After a day or so of frustration my husband said we should just try a bottle because we were both at a loss.  And tired.  Chasing a 3 year old and 18 month old is hard enough.  Add a newborn and we were officially entering crazy town around here!  Did I mention we were tired? I would try at the beginning of each feeding to get him latched and we would always end up resorting to the bottle.  He would scream and cry every time I would put him to the breast.  He would get so angry he would turn purple and pull his hair out.  We now call him Mr. Intensity.
Every time I saw him drink a bottle I would secretly go to my room and cry.  I would never touch the bottle.   To me I felt as if something was my fault.  I am his mother and I can’t feed my child.  I know how to do this.  I have done this for over a year with both of my girls.  Guilt set in and tears flowed, frequently.  My poor husband didn’t (and doesn’t) know what to do.  It is never something I can really explain to him either.

Through these last three weeks I have had a friend of my midwife who is a NICU nurse come over to help with positions, a lactation consultant has come over twice and we had a lip tie revision done last week thinking that was the cause of my son’s inability to latch. Today we saw his pediatrician to have him checked.  He saw nothing alarming that would cause him not to latch.  The consensus is that he has some muscle soreness from birth and it is making his upper body tight.  This in turn may be causing him not to be able to relax his body and fully extend his tongue.  Crazy really.  I had no idea this was a thing.  Breastfeeding really is hard and each child is different.  I am now realizing that I was extremely lucky with my girls.

The message I want to convey with this post is how sorry I am.  I should never have assumed that any mom who said they have tried to breastfeeding.. either a day or many months, was any less of a mom because they couldn’t nurse their babies.  This stuff is hard and there should be absolutely NO mommy guilt for how you feed your child.  Formula, boob, pumping.  Feed the baby, give it love, end of story.

Side note: Moms who pump are ROCK STARS!  I barely pumped with the girls and hated it whenever I did it.  Now being an exclusive pumper for three weeks, it has given me an even bigger understanding of how amazing these moms are.  And why aren’t they praised more for all that they do?  Nursing a baby is easy.  Baby is hungry, put on boob and done.  When you are a pumping mama you have to get the necessary pump paraphernalia ready, pump, freeze or put milk in fridge or bottle, feed the baby and then wash all of the junk to do it once again two hours later. All of that ends up being almost an hour, so you end up only having an hour before you are getting ready for the next feeding.  IT SUCKS!  So moms that pump, you deserve a gold star and a high five.  I don’t know how much longer I can do it.

My story doesn’t end here with breastfeeding.  I don’t have an “end date” yet for when I will stop trying.  I still want to try a few more chiropractor appointments and go to an occupational therapist to see if some exercises can help him.  Call me crazy, but I want to make sure I have exhausted all of my tools before I throw in the towel.  Otherwise I know I will regret it.

One of my favorite things in our master bedroom is these precious blocks that an amazing photographer, Kay Harmon did for us.  They are my nursing blocks.  I actually look at them often as they take me back to those special moments I spent nursing my girls.  The baby snuggles, the hair twirling, the kissing of little fingers, unforgettable moments.  To think I won’t have those moments with my son breaks my heart, but you better believe I am going to give it 110% to make it happen!

Blessings,
Tk

blocks

So much can happen in 3 short years….

newborn

Hard to believe that on this day three years ago my midwife transferred me to the hospital because of high blood pressure.  I remember the anxiety I had that morning.  Not only because my birth plan was officially shot and I would no longer be giving birth at the Birth Center, but the anticipation of being a first time parent.  What would this journey hold for us?  Could we do it?  Our little angel didn’t end up being born for two more days. I was two days shy of being 42 weeks pregnant!  No joke this kids personality shows her stubbornness.  She is extremely bright, but try to tell her something that she does not want to do and watch out!

Here we are three years later and I am weeks away from having my THIRD child!  Seriously insane.  I still can’t even believe it.  I say that it is insane because for over 4 years I was labeled an “infertile.”  No amount of fertility drugs or treatments helped us and we were left in a state of despair at not being able to have children.  It was such a dark time for us both.  We relied on God and knew that the promise in our heart would come to fruition someday.  We just had no idea it would happen so quickly!

“For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.’
Habakkuk 2:3

Fast forward to now our third sweet little miracle (A BOY!) and I am grateful, yet terrified.  How did this happen?  Ok… Ok… I know what you are thinking.  I know HOW it happened… 😉  After all that we had gone though with having our first child, when I was nursing Addy I honestly didn’t even think it was possible for me to get pregnant so quickly with our second.

When our first daughter was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant with our second beautiful daughter.  We were both shocked and grateful for God’s Blessings upon us.  He knew the desires of our heart and even though it was a little sooner than we would have liked, we were given another miracle.  I was overwhelmed with two kids under two, but honestly felt that all of those years of waiting, praying and hoping for children helped get me though the first few months of craziness with the girls.  Then it happened.  Again.  Evie was 9 months old, I was nursing her one day and said oh no…. sure enough, pregnant!

This time I am sad to admit that tears were my first reaction.  This was absolutely NOT my plan.  We had been careful.  This third pregnancy has been accompanied with a roller coaster of emotions.  First of all how will we ever survive THREE children 3 and under??  My days now are spent as more of a referee as the 2 and 1 year old constantly fight over things.  This afternoon both of them wanted to have snuggles from mom.. at the same time.  Which is challenging when I am also carrying a large basketball in my belly.  There is some relief knowing that once I am not pregnant anymore the physical part of having small children will get easier for me.  Even though I am still working out, I still find these stages with the girls hard being in my third trimester with our son.
Today I was talking to one of my dear friends about how I have massive fear about our third child.  With the second I had the thoughts of  “Will I ever love this little girl like the first?”, “How will our marriage change with two children?” “Will I ever sleep, etc. etc.”  With my son my thoughts have been of disbelief, fear and honestly I catch myself being ungrateful for this sweet Blessing because I am just so overwhelmed already.  This motherhood thing is hard and no joke.  Especially being a stay at home mom.
She reminded me that fear is not something given by God.  And gave me this scripture that I plan on writing out and posting.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self- control”
2 Timothy 1:7

Ahhhh… the word is so refreshing.  That was exactly what I needed.  I have such an amazing group of women in my tribe and am so grateful for each of them.  <3

backyard-fun-march-16

This is my current view.  I am so Blessed.  The Lord knows what we can handle and I know that even on the tough days, which I am sure will be plenty, He will equip me.  I have an absolutely incredible husband and two beautiful daughters.  Somehow this little man of ours will fit in to our family and make it complete.  I encourage anyone that may be waiting for something… a baby, a husband, a job, anything.. to hold the faith.  God always has perfect timing and as my life is a testimony, he can work miracles!!

Blessings,
Tk

All we have…

girls-journals

Today I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

I talked to a friend about her recent road trip with her mother and she commented how long it was and how much driving was involved.  I quickly responded.. Even though it was long, you made memories!
Almost immediately a ton of my own memories of road trips with my mom surfaced my mind.  It was hard for me not to get emotional.  One of my favorite things was my summers spent with my mom in Georgia.  Mom would say, “Lets get in the car and GO!”  I never knew where we were going, but she would have a plan.  The trusty map that she kept in her glove box would be newly folded with a route in mind.  She had the mileage written down next to each stop that we would take in her trusty notepad.  She always had the town that we would stop and get gas in written down and made sure we never had less than 1/2 tank.  I still till this day wonder how I have not picked up that habit!  I am the 1/4 tank queen!  She was always prepared and ready for an adventure.  We would visit old towns devastated by the war, Ate Fried Green Tomatoes at The Whistle Stop Cafe, hiked the beautiful falls in Dahlonega, The Cabbage Patch Kid factory in Cleveland, The Cherry Blossom Festival in Macon… you name it!  If it was in Georgia or a state close by, we would visit.  I loved being on the open road and still do.  Part of the reason I went to college at Texas Tech (6 hours away) is the drive.   Watching the houses pass by and wondering about who lived in those houses and what they were doing at that very moment.  I always loved the fact that there was so much more to this world than just my own.  The one thing I could always do without is the smell of mom’s cigarettes.  My mom smoked like a chimney.  Always had since I could remember and did up until after about two years after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  Right before I moved her into a facility I was having to do everything for her including her groceries and her smokes were always on the list.  One day she left them off and I didn’t ask.  I had begged her my entire life to quit and she just could not.  And from that day on, she forgot she smoked for 45 years.  Was the strangest thing.  That is honestly when I really started getting worried about her.
I always joke about that day because I had just recently found out I was pregnant with my first daughter.  I imagined buying a carton of Marlboro reds being huge and pregnant and the looks I would get.  Still makes me giggle.  Days like today really I wish I could remember everything about those times with mom.  The talks we had in those many hours going to and from our adventures and more about her own past. I would give just about anything to just sit and talk like we used to.

I find myself really being very aware of writing down things that our girls can have it once we are gone.  So even when we are not on this earth and they want to feel a piece of us, they will find us in letters.  One of the things that I started many years ago before I got pregnant with my first child is a journal for my children and I encourage each and every one of you do the same.  Even if your child is 10 years old, DO IT!!  I have written in it every month when they were babies and now I write in it randomly with funny stories, or just to say hello.  I pray they treasure their journals as much as I would have if my mom had thought of it.  Sometimes daddy even writes in it too!  With our first daughter it took four years to get pregnant and the infertility journey is all in there.  Every painful memory.. the miscarriage, IVF, all the negative tests…  She will have no doubt at all that she was so wanted and loved and God had a divine plane for her life.  (Side note: starting to think it was because God had to perfectly craft the most strong will child ever)  #terribletwos

My mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s Disease at 61 years old.  It has been the most heart wrenching journey I have traveled thus far.  (She is now 65) To see your mother physically and have her not be there at all is absolutely horrendous.  I didn’t even think to ask my mom all of the details of my childhood before it was too late and that is why I am giving my girls every chance to not feel the same.

Life is just so very short in the scheme of it all…
All we have when we leave this earth to live the eternal life in Heaven is our memories and our words…

If you feel led to help me fight the good fight against this terrible disease, Alzheimer’s please
join our team to walk here in San Antonio on September 19th, 2015.  Any donation is appreciated as 100% go towards the research towards research on prevention and cures.
http://act.alz.org/goto/mmmtexas

Love always,
Tk

Piece by piece

For some time now I have been unable to write and get my feelings out.  This latest chapter in involving my mom and Alzheimer’s Disease has been a heavy one. This blog is my therapy.  Once I am able to get the words out, it seems to lift a burden off of my heart.  I can’t even count the number of posts I have written over the years and just not published.  I have sat in front of the computer numerous times in the last month and nothing.  A few nights ago I was praying and almost asleep and The Lord told me to write….

A little over a month ago I got a call that I have been dreading.  Usually the baby will wake me up for her morning feeding, but on this day it was the phone.  Never a good sign.  Mom had been rushed to the hospital via an ambulance.  She had a seizure.  My heart stopped when the nurse from her facility explained what happened. What do I do now?  My husband had to leave for work and I had two small children.  There is no way I was going to wake up the 2 year old and take both girls to the ER.  I had no clue what I would be walking into.  Luckily, my mother in law came to the rescue to help with the girls so I could head up to the hospital.  Side note: I have seriously been Blessed with the world’s greatest mother in law! I can always count on her to help with the girls, great advice or just to listen to me yap.  <3

Up until that point my mom had been healthy.  (As healthy as one can be with late stages of Alzheimer’s).  Seeing her lying in the ER bed was heartbreaking.  She looked so frail and weak and was extremely tired from the seizure.  I was told that it was almost two minutes long.  That day and the day to follow were some of the worst that I have encountered with my mom and this dreadful disease.  Being in the hospital is absolutely horrible for most people, but admit someone with dementia and it’s a whole new ballgame.  It’s catastrophic. I had to make sure nurses knew so they would treat her differently than most other patients they would have that shift.  I helped constantly hold her down or re-direct her so she wouldn’t pull out IV’s and stayed by her side to give her reassurance that she would be ok. She was terrified. As of this point I was still the only person she knew or recognized.  The first few hours after her admittance I was constantly in tears.  Seeing my strong, capable mom so terrified and afraid broke me.  It brought me back to the day we moved her into the first facility almost three years ago.  Once we moved all of her things into the assisted living facility and were about to leave she looked at me and said, “Please don’t leave me here Tarah.  I want to go home.”  I hugged her and reassured her that she would be ok, and I wouldn’t let anything happen to her.  And as soon as the door shut I cried.  Hard.  And being 8 months pregnant it did not help.  Here I was once again, my hands tied and praying mom would be ok.

Fast forward to a month ago.  Ever since the hospital my mom has slowly started to regress.  Her speech was getting more slurred, her walking was labored and she was having smaller seizures though out the day. Even on seizure medication.  One day she even lost her smile.  That day I couldn’t hide my tears from her.  Every time I looked into those beautiful brown eyes that I have seen since the day I was born, my heart broke further and further.  What would the world be like without my mom’s amazing smile?  The smile that God so graciously gave me also?  She is slowly being taken away from me, piece by piece.

A week later I attended the Alzheimer’s Associations breakfast to celebrate the Champions and Grand Champions from last year.  I felt so proud to be apart of this group and to know that I had a part of helping to raise money to fight this destructive disease.  Even though I went alone and was very much out of my comfort zone, it was so uplifting.  I met others directly affected with Alzheimer’s and even met someone my own age who’s mother also has Early Onset.  Thank the Lord that I am not alone in this battle being as young as I am.

After the breakfast I had a meeting at my mom’s facility for her quarterly assessment.  I went into the meeting pissed at this disease and determined to make a massive difference this year with my fundraising goals.  I was on a mission and doubling what I raised last year!
And then, time stopped and I was derailed off my high.  After the usual assesment meeting where we go through her day to day requirements and how many points (levels of care have a point scale), the medical director dropped a bomb shell. She suggested that I start contacting hospice companies.  Hospice.  The word itself sends me into a panic.  Hospice is for people who are dying.  Mom is still here.  In reality though, the most heart wrenching part of this disease is that even though my mom is physically still here, she is a complete new person.  Her beautiful eyes, the hands that are so much like my own are here, but she is not here at all.  She is slowly dying on the inside and everything that I have known and loved about her is almost gone.  She rarely remembers me anymore.  She is a shell of my mom.
Long story short, we signed my mom up for hospice that weekend.  The realization of the end has finally settled and I am somehow moving more towards some acceptance even though I don’t know if I will ever really be there until she is actually gone.  I spend so much time talking to doctors, the facility, medical billing, etc that when that is all over… I don’t know if I will know what to do with that time. Being her caretaker these past four years have been so challenging, yet so rewarding because I know I am honoring my mother.

Mom had an upturn these past few weeks after we took her off a medicine and I am hopeful because she seems to be getting back to her “normal” self that she was before the hospital.  Even though some things may be getting better, her manic behaviors are increasing.  Since she is stronger and more agile than most patients living at a Alzheimer’s facility everyone is having a hard time medicating her.  Her hospice nurse told me last week that mom is her only walking patient.  My mom does laps all day around the facility.  She never, ever slows down and doesn’t sleep much either.  It is exhausting to watch.  Sooner or later she will run herself into the ground.  Of course we can try different medications to help slow her down, but all come with their own gamut of lovely side effects.  It is a never ending battle to find the “right” medications.  I honestly believe at this point it is unobtainable.

I am working on giving this burden to The Lord, but trying to do everything on my own is what I do.  I have some amazing friends that truly love me and I have no clue what I would do without them.  Two of them most recently have gone over and beyond and have been such a light for me during this dark month or so of my life.  Jennifer and Christy, thank you both so much for pouring into me.  Your love and the love that He shows through you has helped me more than you know.

This battle is far from over.  Hurt and heartache are bound to be plentiful ahead, but I am staying firm in my faith.  The beauty of this life is that we will always have trials and tribulations.  God didn’t make this life on earth easy.  It is what you do with the obstacles that we are faced with that defines us as humans.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6

We are a little over a month away from the Alzheimer’s Walk here in San Antonio,TX.  Will you join me in my fight to raise money?  To battle this disease head on and shout from the rooftops and heighten awareness that this isn’t an “old persons disease!?”  To collectively gather funds so more research can be done so we can eradicate Alzheimer’s!?  Let’s put an end to this painful disease that is stealing away our Grandparents and Parents.  Let’s make sure our children don’t face this same battle… Join Melanie’s Memories Matter today!

http://act.alz.org/goto/mmmtexas

*If you will not be able to attend the walk with us on September 26th you can still donate to our team in honor of my mom or in memory of your own loved one!

Marriage is hard

marriage-is-hard

On a daily basis I a reminded of how hard marriage really is.  Sharing your life with someone is just plain work.

When I was married over 7 years ago I went into it with realistic expectations.  As a child of not one, but two divorces I knew the journey ahead would not be easy.  Since I knew what divorce was and what it did to children caught in the crossfire, I was going to work my butt off to make my marriage work.  There would be NO easy way out.  Divorce would never be an option.  Ever.

Fast forward 7 years and two children and I now understand.  I totally get how people can throw up their hands and move on to something “better.”  Or just give up and divorce.  This stuff is hard!  And you have to work on the relationship DAILY!
One major thing I have learned is communication is key.  That and surprises!

Surprises- Now I don’t mean presents per say.. (but I do love presents)   🙂
Just something different from the day to day monotony of life.  Sweet notes written with markers on the bathroom mirror, other special notes hidden through out the house for your spouse to find, flowers.. get creative.  Money is NOT the primary here, it is the thought.

Communication- Communication sucks.  No lie, I was a communication major in college.  I can talk to people.  I love people!  Yet, sometimes telling my husband that I feel neglected in some way or that feel like I need him to help me out more in an area around the house is super hard for me.  Honestly it is just easier for me to keep my mouth shut!  But is “easier” really going to help this relationship long term?  No.

Since we have hit the “7 year itch” mark I have found that we have been going through some major growth in our marriage.  We have now been together almost 10 years and we know each other.. well.  Yet, as life moves on day to day our “normal” if there was ever one, has changed.  And with that becomes some serious work in the two of us.  Thankfully, we are not alone and we have the Lord to help guide us and give us direction and support in our marriage.

“But at the beginning of creation God made them male and female.  For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and two will become one flesh.  So they are no longer two, but one.  Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”  (Mark 10: 6-9)

Powerful.  Marriage has been around forever and God smiles upon the sacred vow.  Praying and calling out to Him for help or get connected to people of faith to give spiritual advice is key.  I don’ t know about you, but I just love the part about “becoming one flesh.”  I put this verse on our program at our wedding and it still gets me warm and fuzzy on the inside all of these years later.  It is romantic to me… living out the rest of your life with one person who knows you like no one else.

I have not one doubt in my mind that on that fateful Christmas night that Chris and I were supposed to cross paths.  I know we were put together to make a difference in not only our children’s lives, but those around us.  We want to share our love of God and our passion for quality health for all that will listen.  No matter how hard the day to day may seem of sharing my life with my husband, I will do my best everyday to work at us.  Because we started with “us” and until my last living breath.. it will end with us.

We have decided that every Sunday night we will have some time for us and our week.  Talk about the week ahead, our finances, pray, and hopefully finally start a bible study that we have been talking about for a while now.
I challenge you to do the same!  Let’s make 2015 the year that marriages are strengthened, restored and rejuvenated!

Blessings,
Tk