Breastfeeding Hell – The finale


My incredible lactation consultant, Laura Grueber with Breast Feeding House Calls here in San Antonio, Tx.

As I look at my son sleeping next to me in his bassinet my heart wants to explode with love.  Seriously how did I not believe moms when they told me that a love for a son is so different than a daughter?  I keep wanting to put it into words, but can’t.  Zander makes me feel complete.  Even though he has only been on this earth for 3 months, I can not imagine life without him.

Not so very long ago I was going through one of the hardest times that I had ever experienced as a mom.  A non- latcher.  He wouldn’t breastfeed.  I went through a gamete of emotions surrounding this and was closer to giving up than I ever had been at anything.  My son is my 3rd child in 3 years.  This breastfeeding thing was not new to me!

We had 3 in home lactation consultations, had a lip tie revision, chiropractor adjustments.  I tried everything.  Around 5 weeks something changed.  We were at the lake that weekend with family.  He successfully latched the first time the night before we left.  I remember that I decided not to push the breastfeeding agenda while we were there because it would just be too hard.  Walls are thin and with 10 adults and 9 kids it wasn’t worth them hearing our struggle for 4 days.  I tried a few times and he would latch, but wouldn’t stay for long.  My conclusion was that maybe the flow wasn’t fast enough for him since he had been used to the bottle for the last month.  My patience was wearing thin and no matter how bad I hated pumping I felt as if I was losing an uphill battle.
During this time I had some wonderful supporters.  Friends that would text or message me with encouragement, my precious midwives and a lactation consultant.  Thank you to those friends.. having a cheering session really did make the difference for me. Before we left for the lake one friend mentioned a SNS (Supplemental Nursing System.)  After some research I knew this had to be my last option.  The thought of a tube attached to my breasts with tape and have it feed into a contraption that hung on my neck was very daunting.  If you have no clue what this is.  Dr. Google it.  It really is genius.  I emailed my INCREDIBLE lactation consultant, Laura Grueber with Breastfeeding house calls.  I wanted to schedule my third visit and I wanted to try this thing. She told me that she would pick one up for me and bring it the next week.  Side Note: This woman is an angel and does so much for the breastfeeding community.  My wish is that every mom and especially the new ones, have a Laura in their life to really help them with their dream of breastfeeding.


On the day of Zander’s 6 week Birthday Laura came to my house.  We did our usual routine and hunkered down in my bedroom and got all of the necessary supplies.


The bottle with pumped breast milk, a pacifier, boppy, nipple shield, burp cloths & syringe.  She once again tried many different holds to get him to latch and nothing.  After using all of her “tricks” she decided our last option was to try to SMS.  She said she very rarely uses it or even offers it to her clients.  When she does offer it she insists she be there because it is quite the contraption.  She explained that if it did work that we needed to work hard to make sure it wasn’t for long because it isn’t meant for long term use.  Z had always been such a special case for her.  He had no medical reasons to do what he was doing and she was about out of ideas to help me be a breastfeeding mama.


We hooked up the SMS and in my head I remember thinking that it was insane.  Tubes everywhere.  Milk dripping out of the tube all over me.  It was TERRIBLE.  I prayed and hard.  Asking God to give me strength and to help me through this.  Once the SMS was attached we put him on my breast and he latched!  He stayed on for at least three seconds.  I was elated!  Laura and I were grinning ear to ear!  She then unhooked everything really quick, took off the nipple shield and latched him on.  He latched to my bare nipple immediately and started to nurse.  When I heard the “gulping” sound I started crying.  When I looked at Laura I would like to believe she was a bit misty eyed herself.


And that my friends was the end of my breastfeeding battle!  From his 6 week Birthday on we haven’t skipped a beat.  I packed away the breast pump the next day and he has been on the breast ever since! It took 6 weeks, but my son is nursing all day everyday.  Thank the Lord!


My encouragement for mamas that may be wanting to give up, don’t!  If you are really passionate about it then don’t throw in the towel until you have exhausted all of your options.  Know that when you have gone to bed that night that there was nothing else that you could have done to help make it happen.  It all sucks.  Believe me, I know.  But after all of that pain,  we are victorious!  We are no longer spending hours washing bottles and breast pump junk.  Now I can quickly and easily feed my precious son when he is hungry with the flip of a nursing bra strap. 🙂

Praying for all you mamas out there that may be fighting this battle!

In my first post about my breastfeeding hell I had a picture of my youngest daughter and the breast pump.  She would always try to imitate me because all she saw me do is pump and feed her brother a bottle.  This picture of my oldest “breastfeeding” her baby doll, Jenna shows how far we have come!  My girls now nurse their dolls instead of try to use the breast pump!

So much can happen in 3 short years….


Hard to believe that on this day three years ago my midwife transferred me to the hospital because of high blood pressure.  I remember the anxiety I had that morning.  Not only because my birth plan was officially shot and I would no longer be giving birth at the Birth Center, but the anticipation of being a first time parent.  What would this journey hold for us?  Could we do it?  Our little angel didn’t end up being born for two more days. I was two days shy of being 42 weeks pregnant!  No joke this kids personality shows her stubbornness.  She is extremely bright, but try to tell her something that she does not want to do and watch out!

Here we are three years later and I am weeks away from having my THIRD child!  Seriously insane.  I still can’t even believe it.  I say that it is insane because for over 4 years I was labeled an “infertile.”  No amount of fertility drugs or treatments helped us and we were left in a state of despair at not being able to have children.  It was such a dark time for us both.  We relied on God and knew that the promise in our heart would come to fruition someday.  We just had no idea it would happen so quickly!

“For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end- it will not lie.  If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay.’
Habakkuk 2:3

Fast forward to now our third sweet little miracle (A BOY!) and I am grateful, yet terrified.  How did this happen?  Ok… Ok… I know what you are thinking.  I know HOW it happened… 😉  After all that we had gone though with having our first child, when I was nursing Addy I honestly didn’t even think it was possible for me to get pregnant so quickly with our second.

When our first daughter was 9 months old, I found out I was pregnant with our second beautiful daughter.  We were both shocked and grateful for God’s Blessings upon us.  He knew the desires of our heart and even though it was a little sooner than we would have liked, we were given another miracle.  I was overwhelmed with two kids under two, but honestly felt that all of those years of waiting, praying and hoping for children helped get me though the first few months of craziness with the girls.  Then it happened.  Again.  Evie was 9 months old, I was nursing her one day and said oh no…. sure enough, pregnant!

This time I am sad to admit that tears were my first reaction.  This was absolutely NOT my plan.  We had been careful.  This third pregnancy has been accompanied with a roller coaster of emotions.  First of all how will we ever survive THREE children 3 and under??  My days now are spent as more of a referee as the 2 and 1 year old constantly fight over things.  This afternoon both of them wanted to have snuggles from mom.. at the same time.  Which is challenging when I am also carrying a large basketball in my belly.  There is some relief knowing that once I am not pregnant anymore the physical part of having small children will get easier for me.  Even though I am still working out, I still find these stages with the girls hard being in my third trimester with our son.
Today I was talking to one of my dear friends about how I have massive fear about our third child.  With the second I had the thoughts of  “Will I ever love this little girl like the first?”, “How will our marriage change with two children?” “Will I ever sleep, etc. etc.”  With my son my thoughts have been of disbelief, fear and honestly I catch myself being ungrateful for this sweet Blessing because I am just so overwhelmed already.  This motherhood thing is hard and no joke.  Especially being a stay at home mom.
She reminded me that fear is not something given by God.  And gave me this scripture that I plan on writing out and posting.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self- control”
2 Timothy 1:7

Ahhhh… the word is so refreshing.  That was exactly what I needed.  I have such an amazing group of women in my tribe and am so grateful for each of them.  <3


This is my current view.  I am so Blessed.  The Lord knows what we can handle and I know that even on the tough days, which I am sure will be plenty, He will equip me.  I have an absolutely incredible husband and two beautiful daughters.  Somehow this little man of ours will fit in to our family and make it complete.  I encourage anyone that may be waiting for something… a baby, a husband, a job, anything.. to hold the faith.  God always has perfect timing and as my life is a testimony, he can work miracles!!