The box

Today was the day our IVF cycle became very real.

We received a LARGE box with all of the meds that I will have to be on this month. Holy jeeze! Here is a big, fun looking box at your doorstep and once you open it up…. It isn’t fun at all!

Chris actually opened the box because there is a sticker on the front that says to open immediately because some items may need refrigerated. I didn’t even ask him how he felt while unpacking the box, but it was quite overwhelming to look at when he sent me a picture.

At first glance, I felt like throwing up. 65% of the box is some kind of needle. I really, really, really hate needles. I am a previous “passer-outer” when it comes to shots/blood draws. The only good thing about my miscarriage was my ability to get used to shots after having my blood drawn every week for 6 weeks. It wasn’t until I got home tonight that it really hit me. I came into the kitchen and saw the display of the box’s contents on our kitchen table and tried to ignore it and started making dinner. As my meatloaf baked in the oven I decided it would be ok to start going through everything. A vial of some strange liquid here, a needle there, a big red needle disposal box…. I broke, and hard. It was definitely what you call an “ugly cry.”  The flood of emotions on what we were having to do to have a child was taking control. My poor husband had no idea what to do with me. I did feel better once I let it all out, but I am pretty confident that this won’t be the last time I break down.  I am keeping strong, focusing on the Lord and leaving no doubt that this will work but sometimes I can only help but be human.

My post-op and another ultrasound is scheduled with my RE Wednesday morning and that is the day that all of the fun officially starts. Until then I plan on having my last adult beverages and getting myself prepared for the next few weeks.


Bling Baby!

After getting the cost of the IVF medications (5 of them, mind you) yesterday, I decided that I am referring to our future child as Bling Baby!!  This whole process is crazy expensive!! After the $30 doctor visits, the two payments to the fertility clinic, out of pocket lab tests, and now the shock of the costs of the meds… I dare not to even add it all up!!

I guess I find crazy that some people get knocked up after the first month of trying or an “oops baby” and then there are the special few that pay thousands for a child.  I am thankful we have the ability to fund this very special dream, but also wonder… What happens to those who can’t?

Pre Op

Yesterday I went into the RE’s office yet again for a Pre operative check up. After a blood draw and yet another ultrasound I was out of there in about an hour. Even though I am terrified about this surgery in the morning.. DR. H still knows how to make me feel at ease! Praise God!
I still find it hard to believe that here I am… In the month that my baby should’ve been born if I hadn’t of miscarried, still dealing with the loss of our first pregnancy. It stll blows my mind that my body didn’t pass all of the pregnancy.
I am trying so hard to give all of this pain and frustration of becoming parents to God, but it is so very hard. Ever since I had to admit my older sister into the hospital room that she ended up dying in of cancer, I have been terrified of doctors and hospitals. And now I am constantly having to visit both in order to have the one thing I have wanted most in this world, a child.
He doesn’t give us more than we can handle…. Right?