A few days ago I had a conversation with a girlfriend about this stage in our lives. The constant entertaining of a toddler, wiping a behind and all of the other stuff that goes along with keeping a small human alive on a daily basis! Being a stay at home mom is hard on so many levels. I also always have the feeling of “not doing enough.” Either with my business that I help run from our home, keeping the house picked up or keeping up with a girlfriend.
The thought hit me like a ton of bricks. My kids will only be kids for a short amount of time. In just a few months my son, my baby, will start attending a 2 day a week Mother’s Day Out. Granted that is only a few days a week, but time is moving fast. I will not beat myself up over helping in our business, having all the laundry folded or being MIA on friends. God has entrusted me with a beautiful family that I have the honor or loving and leading. At this point in my life that is all that matters. So today and everyday after this one I will be more aware of being present in the moment and enjoy this stage of parenting and soak it all in. Everything else can wait.
Tonight my phone rang at 10pm and it said unknown. These last few months an unknown call means it is my mom’s facility. It was late so my heart sank. Is mom ok? For the first time in at least 3 years my mother was on the other end of the phone. As I held my newborn son in my arms, I listened to her as she jabbered on for at least 5 minutes. I say “jabber” because my mom has makes absolutely no sense when she talks. She has recently started to make up words and she has her own language. Almost immediately when I heard her voice, I began to cry.
I have to be completely transparent. I have not seen my mom for three weeks. Three whole weeks. (Almost four) That is the longest I have EVER gone without seeing my mother since she moved to Texas in 2009. About three weeks ago I was able to sneak away and see my mom alone without any of my three children. I could not handle it. Call it post pardom hormones, but after about 5 minutes of being with my mom I had a breakdown in her room. Looking around at all of the pictures we have of us, pictures of my brother and I as kids, pictures of our families now… it was too much. After I collected myself I followed her out to the main dining area to be with the rest of the community. My mom never stays still, she is ALWAYS walking. I saw some of her favorite nurses who asked about my precious newborn son and I lost it again. Ugly cry. Then I felt terrible because these women and men who work in these facilities have a hard enough job as it is. The last thing they need is for a crying family member to further solidify to them that this disease sucks. As I gave my mom a hug I realized how much I really needed her at this moment in my life. My life was harder than it had ever been. A 3 nager who was testing my patience daily, a 19 month old that was becoming Evil Knievel and a 3 week old son. Not to mention that my newborn was giving me the ride of my life with breastfeeding. I needed her advice. I needed the one person in my life who knows me better than anyone else ever will.. tell me it would be ok.
After a few minutes I put my cell phone on speaker so my husband could hear her. He isn’t able to visit her as often as I am and even though I tell him stories he doesn’t understand how bad she really is. And to be honest I think it breaks his heart also. I told her how much I loved her and missed her, but she did not repeat it. Usually she will say, “I love you too, honey.” She then started saying something else I couldn’t understand and then one of her sweet nurses got on the phone. She told me that my mom has been carrying around my picture all day. When the workers would ask about me she would say, I love her.. I love her…I love her. Her nurse said that she making them all cry with how she was acting. They were crying because she knew what she wanted. She wanted me. They asked if she wanted to call me and she said yes. And then my mom, who doesn’t ever stay in one place waited there for me to answer the phone.
She knows. Somewhere in her foggy brain she knows i haven’t seen her in three weeks. She misses me. My mom is still in there.
For some of you that may not know, my mom has late stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. She has had it 5 years and is now in her 3rd facility in 3 years. (That will be an entirely different blog post.) Losing a mom is so very hard. I know that anyone who has lost a mother at any age can relate to the feelings of loss of such an important person in their life.
What I want to convey in this post is why I am so PISSED! Families of people who have Alzheimer’s Disease have to face a double blow if you will. Not only do we all have that feeling of loss, but we actually to watch it happen slowly. Imagine your loved one being right in front of you… You can see that their hands are still the same to hold, their eyes still have that loving sparkle, yet they have no clue in the world that they even know you. Traumatizing.
This horrid disease makes people die a slow and painful death. It is hard on the patient, but even harder on the family. As a young mom of three small children there is no reason why I should have to be facing this. My mom is 66 years old.
For the past three years I have raised money for our local Alzheimer’s walk in September. Every year I have beat my fundraising goals and this year is no different. I can’t physically do anything for my mother anymore, but I can put a name and a face to this disease. Share my stories and my struggles so you know that this is a very real threat. It could happen to anyone.
This year I am starting earlier with fundraising and building my team.
Has Alzheimer’s Disease affected you in some way or are you afraid it might in the future?
Did you know that every 66 seconds someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease? It also kills more people than breast and prostate cancer combined! This disease is serious and is only getting worse! Join me in my fight. All proceeds go to funding and research.
Will you join my team and help find a cure for Alzheimer’s Disease. Or will you donate to our team, Melanie’s Memories Matter to help us reach our goal? Thank you in advance to all that can help. <3